Sunday, April 13, 2014

Curvy Confessions: Lessons in Commitment and Vulnerability

Sometime in 2012, I was keenly aware that something in my life had to change.

You see, I was fed up with getting by but never quite getting ahead. I had also recently discovered that my genetics and years of trying to hold it all together had begun to take their toll, and I'd finally had my first panic attack.

Clearly something had to change.

It was about that time that I also began to discover how insecure I was and how my insecurities were fueling my decisions on almost every level. I couldn't even love what I looked like in the mirror. So, like any Scorpio I began to brood. I poured over old pictures and old journals, not even really knowing what I was searching for. I came a cross old memories. Now, as a passive observer, I noticed how damn cute I actually was/am, because that was the opposite of how I felt at the time.

At that time: I'd lost almost 50 lbs for a man who still loathed my curves. At that time: someone who I thought was my best friend told me I did indeed look fat (for the record just don't ask "do I look fat in this.")  At that time: there were also the fond memories; the fun, silly drunken fun of my mid to late 20s, the Sunday Dinners I cooked for friends and for profit, the street food, the meals made on a super budget and the cheap eats of LA, NY  and beyond. Looking back on all of this something clicked; even when I was a "straight size" I was curvy and the commonality in my joyous and not so joyous moments was food and exploring the "city."

I also have known, for a very long time, that I was a storyteller, a writer.  My comfort in every situation I have ever been in, for as long as I could imagine was writing.  When I was in elementary school, I would, routinely, sit out kickball and foursquare to write in my journal and "think."  But, the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of showing my authentic self, living my struggle against my imperfections that has kept me from living my purpose.  I've always wanted to blend in, not stand out...but no matter how hard I try, I wasn't meant to blend, I've always stood out.

So in 2012 I decided, to start to try to live my truth.  Having a voice (or two) online, sharing my opinion and likeness to the world has been a process, but I've decided to (finally) stop running from the fear, rather running towards it.  In the past few months, I recognized that I needed to become more "Dauntless" about writing and sharing my voice. (Sorry, for the plug, but I AM currently reading (aka FULLY absorbed in) the Divergent trilogy, but more on that soon.) The fear of being vulnerable has kept me from this blog and kept me from sharing my stories, when I was born to do just that. This blog is my commitment to myself to live openly and authentically.  I won't always get it right, but I know that, that is the beauty of this journey. We grow, by making commitments. I am trying to grow so I am committing to Curvy in the City.

Thanks for joining me and supporting me.  Each day is a lesson and I look forward to the journey.

Erica Michele


Post a Comment