Curves, Culture and . . .FEAR

Ok, yes I have said that before. Multiple times.

You see, I have come to this page...OFTEN to write.  I have written tons of blogs on pieces of paper, in my cell phone, in blogger, on email and more.  Blogs, musings, short stories, rants . . . that never saw the light of day because I keep giving myself reasons not to talk to you curvy's!

Some of those reasons include:
But I don't want to be a plus fashion blogger.
I have no time
I have no style, no one wants to see me on camera.
I'll come back when i revamp
Plan some more...
[Yada Yada Blah Blah] is already is in my lane, I have nothing to contribute.
I have horse teeth.
I've written more than a few blogs that no longer feel timely, why keep doing that.
I'm tired.
Does anyone even care?
Rolls, I got rolls....no one wants to see those.
I've said I was gonna blog before--and fell off, I'm the blogger that cried blogger, and people think I'm lame.
I use words like lame.
I look to fat on camera.
I'm not a real writer.
What if I fail.
What if . . .
And then there is the vulnerability that comes with being a curvy, plus, cusp, #doubledigitdiva.  The vulnerability you feel when you put yourself "out there" in these here internets.  I was afraid of backlash, of comments, of hate.

I was AFRAID. So, so, so afraid.

But then I realized something: I am tired of being afraid.

So, I'm here. Raw. Naked. Honest. Not giving up this time.

Thanks to those of you who have encouraged and badgered me to come back...keep doing it..it takes a village.

I am not sure what the future holds...but I am going to live in THIS moment and do what I feel when it seems right.

xoxo,

ericamichele

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Curvy Confessions: Lessons in Commitment and Vulnerability

Sometime in 2012, I was keenly aware that something in my life had to change.

You see, I was fed up with getting by but never quite getting ahead. I had also recently discovered that my genetics and years of trying to hold it all together had begun to take their toll, and I'd finally had my first panic attack.

Clearly something had to change.

It was about that time that I also began to discover how insecure I was and how my insecurities were fueling my decisions on almost every level. I couldn't even love what I looked like in the mirror. So, like any Scorpio I began to brood. I poured over old pictures and old journals, not even really knowing what I was searching for. I came a cross old memories. Now, as a passive observer, I noticed how damn cute I actually was/am, because that was the opposite of how I felt at the time.

At that time: I'd lost almost 50 lbs for a man who still loathed my curves. At that time: someone who I thought was my best friend told me I did indeed look fat (for the record just don't ask "do I look fat in this.")  At that time: there were also the fond memories; the fun, silly drunken fun of my mid to late 20s, the Sunday Dinners I cooked for friends and for profit, the street food, the meals made on a super budget and the cheap eats of LA, NY  and beyond. Looking back on all of this something clicked; even when I was a "straight size" I was curvy and the commonality in my joyous and not so joyous moments was food and exploring the "city."

I also have known, for a very long time, that I was a storyteller, a writer.  My comfort in every situation I have ever been in, for as long as I could imagine was writing.  When I was in elementary school, I would, routinely, sit out kickball and foursquare to write in my journal and "think."  But, the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of showing my authentic self, living my struggle against my imperfections that has kept me from living my purpose.  I've always wanted to blend in, not stand out...but no matter how hard I try, I wasn't meant to blend, I've always stood out.

So in 2012 I decided, to start to try to live my truth.  Having a voice (or two) online, sharing my opinion and likeness to the world has been a process, but I've decided to (finally) stop running from the fear, rather running towards it.  In the past few months, I recognized that I needed to become more "Dauntless" about writing and sharing my voice. (Sorry, for the plug, but I AM currently reading (aka FULLY absorbed in) the Divergent trilogy, but more on that soon.) The fear of being vulnerable has kept me from this blog and kept me from sharing my stories, when I was born to do just that. This blog is my commitment to myself to live openly and authentically.  I won't always get it right, but I know that, that is the beauty of this journey. We grow, by making commitments. I am trying to grow so I am committing to Curvy in the City.

Thanks for joining me and supporting me.  Each day is a lesson and I look forward to the journey.

xo,
Erica Michele

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Curvy Woman Rant, A Girl on the Cusp

SO, it finally happened.  I had my very first Facebook rant!

I feel like I've crossed some sort of milestone.  But, that rant was necessary. It served to open me up to my passion and self-expression. I was in a rut, I was feeling so, many things, things I should have used the self-expression of my blog to get out, but I was...AFRAID.  Afraid to hurt people's feelings, afraid that if I became fully expressed I'd be rejected.  I worked in entertainment for the bulk of my career and still work in media now because expression fascinates me, it motivates me, it inspires me. Therefore, I needed to express who I was, without fear of what people would think of me.

WHAT SET ME OFF: I read some comments about a model's weight online, people felt the need to not only determine what that size was but then to question whether on not she was indeed "plus size."  The conversation that should have existed about the fashion, the styling, the shot, was all replaced with discourse about whether or not she was plus sized enough.  This rant, freed something in me and it needed to be said.

My anger was based on knowing what it's like to be on the cusp.  To be told by men I've loved and well meaning "friends" that I wasn't "that fat." Only to then open myself up to those who were (traditionally) plus size, who would surely not make me feel like that, to only be told I wasn't plus enough.  (Much like the model in question--who for the record is CLEARLY not straight size.) So I had to speak, I had to have a voice for those who sit there (like I did for many years) and take it.

For me, in an industry that should be about confidence for who you are and sometimes the lack of support by for those of who should be part of the same community baffles and angers me.  Body image issues transcends our racial, sexual orientation and gender boundaries. We in the plus community should be embracing ANY woman who is ostracized based on what size happens to be on the inside of their pair of jeans.  Confident women who have more than one number on their clothing label (I like to call us #doubledigitdivas) are a rarity.  We have a unique opportunity to preach love, self-love goes beyond body image, since for better or worse we are faced with dealing with that every day.

That's the community I am interested in being a part of...one that accepts our flaws but moves forward to be better.

I think many of you feel the same way, those of you who do I am glad to have your support.

xoxo,

Erica Michele

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Thoughts on BFFs: Travyon and Rachel

So, yes I am angry.

Yes, the killing of an unarmed teen, who ran away, then fought for his life and his killer was allowed to be free TWICE.

But, this is not what this blog is about.

This is about the hate we all ignore.  The hate that given the verdict and anger that we won't talk about anymore.  The vilification of not just who Travyon was, but of who his best friend IS.

I have been wanting to say some things for quite some time about Rachel Jeantel.  Unlike many, many others, before I made my thoughts known I wanted to do a bit of background research and take the time to really figure out what I wanted to say.

There have been a number of amazing articles and thoughts about Rachel, but a recent report by Black America Web, an interview with the attorney in the trial exposed exactly my thoughts on Rachel's' testimony and treatment by those in the sometimes toxic social media space.

Don't get me wrong.  I agree that we should all be angry about Travyon, we should all DO something about the perpetuation that violence against black men is justified by acquittal's like this.  But we should be equally angry at the ways that we treat our young women.  How do you think Rachel feels at this moment? She subjected herself to ridicule, her anger didn't have a place in that court room, her hurt her testimony, her sacrifice all meant....nothing.

I am not here to discuss the details of her testimony.  Whether or not she's credible or a liar.  I'm not even going to touch the "speech" and "illiteracy" debate either.  The one thing that has from the on set caused me great concern is what we as a society do to the Rachel Jeantel's of the world.  By her own admission, Rachel and Trayvon were friends because he was one of the few people to not make fun of her because of her weight or because of the color of her skin.

When Rachel walked in to that court room, before she ever opened her mouth--it began.  The cycle of loathing and hate that comes down to her weight and racial makeup.

What's even more disturbing? Most of this backlash, as witnessed in her own real-life, came from people in her own community--people who looked a lot like her.  She's not only been privately bashed for being who she is a dark skinned full figured black woman, but now she is demonized for the same things on a public level.  Is being dark skinned a crime? Does that make you ugly? Is being full figured/plus size make you ugly? Does being both together make you deserve public, private and let's face it inner ridicule?

The purpose of this blog and what I feel to be my mission in life is to have women accept who they are right now.  I want the Rachel Jeantel's of the world to know that she is beautiful, no matter what they say (cue the Christina Aguilera). I want dark skinned women, "fat' women to know that they deserve love and respect for who they are. It is my hope that the Rachel's of the world remember to remain confident and inspired even amongst the hate thrown their way, so that they don't internalize their "difference"a s being wrong.  I wonder if, given the public attention that Rachel has felt--how that deters MANY other women who look JUST like her--to internalize that the way they look is wrong, ugly or bad.

Remember folks, our words have infinite power. You may think your PRECIOUS comment only affects Rachel, but with social media young minds are watching and internalizing what we are saying.  I truly hope that we are inspired to look at our words, to take accountability for how we treat one another and then let's take it to the streets and hold everyone else accountable as well. Cause what happened to Trayvon, what Rachel had to listen to and live with every day for the rest of her life...is not OK and something has GOT to change.

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#FFFWeek, a reminder to stay Curvy & Confident

Hello Curvy Goddesses (& Gods)!

Please forgive my EXTENDED absence from the blog.  You see, in November I started working at an amazing new agency doing social media and time got scarce.  What's even MORE exciting is that I get the opportunity to work with one of my favorite brands as part of the day job!  All in all the past 6 months have been amazing and I am even MORE excited of what the year has in store for Curvy in the City.

I have to thank all the beautiful women who I've interacted with for work and well as on a personal level in the past few weeks, for inspiring me and reminding me why this blog is so important to me.  As most of you know, last week was Full Figure Fashion Week and the week prior to that I got to work with the brand I represent and some amazing blogger at a NYC Shop and Swap, and I left both events feeling in CONFIDENT and INSPIRED.

For those of you new to my journey, being curvy has been a lifelong "struggle" for me. Not a struggle as in a a struggle with my weight (that's an entirely different topic), but a struggle in acceptance.  Although I had an amazing and supportive mother, growing up in a family that demonized "fatness" made her and me not proud of our bodies.  As an adult I found myself attracting men and friends who shared a hatred of the curvy form.  But then, there was the relief of finding a community of curvy women who were beautiful and bold and confident, and I thought I'd found a home.....only to be told I wasn't curvy enough.  So, I felt unaccepted and without a place.  This blog became my place, my space, to heal, to learn to love and to work it out (literally and figuratively) with like-minded curvy souls.

Several of those souls I got the opportunity to interact with in the last week and I have found focusing on their beauty and love has allowed me to ignore the voices in my head and the voices from afar that say I am not "enough."  I had several really wonderful conversations with ladies this week about love, dating, body image, food and much more.  These conversations reminded me that beauty has nothing to do with the scale or how many digits are on those pair of jeans (love to all my #doubledigitdivas!) and everything to do with how you feel, staying true to who you are and how you treat your friends, sisters, competitors and even your enemies.

Overall the past few weeks have left me feeling uplifted and inspired.  I want to get more proactive in discussing how cuisine, fat shaming, body image affect not just us but our relationships with others and the world around us. Look out for more thoughts from me, more regularly---and welcome to the journey--it's gonna be a big year for us at CITC and I appreciate you all holding on for the ride!

xoxo,

Erica Michele

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11/1, One is the Magic Number

It's November 1st.
1-11
I've been seeing 11:11, every day, since I moved to NY almost 8 years ago.
17 days before my thirty...#th birthday.
The clocks turn back this weekend.
The city I love is hurting bad.
.  . .and it all leaves me feeling a little confused.

But then, there's the joy that is talking to my curvy lovers out there.

There's the joy of finding a job and career path that feels fulfilling and attainable.  (I start on Monday!)

There's the peace leaving behind the old model of my work life.
My relationship with my old job was like, well, like many of my relationships   The guy, I chased and from the moment I started dating him and had to prove that my quirky "me-ness" was good enough only for him to acknowledge I was good enough, but not....quite.

There is the joy in the freedom of knowing what I am worth, part of why I am here and a lot about who I am.

Therefore, this 1111 moment for me is one of grief at the past but with so much optimism and gratitude for the future.  Its of knowing I am where I am supposed to be at this moment and that God is guiding my steps.

This new year of life, is the year of one.  The year of me. Honoring myself means I honor everyone around me.

One is the magic number.

-Ericamichele

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Welcome to Curvy in the City!

Well, not really welcome, but thanks for joining me here!  

I love to eat out and eat what I want (korean fried chicken and foie gras aren't exactly figure friendly) but I also want to feel beautiful and worthy of love at the same time.  Curvy in the City is an expression of my daily and perennial dilemma to justify my love of the city life (culture, cuisine, events, activities) and also as a means for me to begin to accept myself.

I began Curvy in the City in October 2012 with the Twitter handle @curvyinthecity and a Tumblr account. I began this journey, partly as a social media experiment (social media pro by day) and also because I knew that the thing holding me back in all facets of my life, was my lack of confidence, much of which was rooted in my life long struggle to NOT be a curvy girl.

I’ve been a size 8 through an 18 and while at each size people always remarked about my “figure."  Simultaneously, most of my life I was also asked if I wouldn’t be happier if I were a little bit smaller?  

You see, to those ex-boyfriends, old friends and family I wasn't "that fat," I could just stand to lose a few pounds, for me, of course (never for them). I felt as though there was something wrong with me, something I needed to change, because being curvy made me never quite "good enough."

This size paradigm chased beyond just interpersonal interactions.  Since I tend to hover between a 12-16, finding clothing that fits and fits well has been a life long struggle for me.  I could fit in to "straight" sized clothes...sometimes, if they even had my size. Then if i went to traditional plus-size retailers and department stores, they were either lacking style or didn't have things in my size either!  So because I didn't "fit" in any true paradigm of size this began to reinforce my low self perception.

However, Curvy in the City helped me realize that the issue of weight wasn’t totally about my body or fitting in to the latest fashions, it was more about me reforming my mind.  Reading articles about plus-size issues, seeing beautiful women who exude curvy confidence and tackling these issues forced me to begin to accept the fact that I am pretty fabulous and I deserve love and happiness without conditions—-no matter WHAT SIZE I HAPPEN TO BE!

As a result of all this, I wanted to open up the forum to have more orignal content, to bring my unique voice to this dialogue so I have expanded to this blog page!

Curvy in the City is my unique point of view on city life as a curvy woman.  A curvy lifestyle that embraces the love of my God given curves, city culture and cuisine.  When I speak to the curvy lifestyle, I speak with knowledge from the size 8-18 paradigm, although I am sure this isn’t the definitive curvy definition.  

Below are a few things that define the Curvy in the City perspective, they are some of my #curvyrules:

Run this town! Take advantage of all the events, attractions, tastes and sounds cities have to offer!
Accept your body for all it’s curves! (and sometimes lumps & bumps& dimples.) 
Eat REALLY, really GOOD food! (preferably tasty & good for you.) 
Keep on moving! An active, healthy and balanced lifestyle is a key to sustained happiness!
Know your worth! (and always be actively seeking to know it!) 
Be confident! 
Don't judge! (Body image is a issue outside of the curvy/plus size world as well. There is unity in knowing that many of our struggles are the same.)
Be a role model! (Walk in the awareness that your behavior influences others.) Your sense of self love, fashion, social and spiritual awareness should inspire yourself & others. 


Curvy in the City is one urbanista, attempting to help some one else realize what it took me decades to: 

Perfection is a myth.  

Life is a gift. 

Embrace your curves, embrace your life.

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